The Airport Safari
I have a
confession to make, more of a declaration really – I love airports. Not
in a nerdy, sit at the end of the runway with a flask of tea and a copy of
Aviation Weekly ogling incoming aircraft kind of way. What I love is the
excitement of impending journey, the promise of adventure. There’s lots to
do: shopping for one, people-watching for another. I liken it to being on
safari: there are so many different species of traveller roaming around.
One such species
is the Solo Business Traveller with their determined ‘I just want to get going,
let me through’ expressions and demeanour. I suspect they must hate waiting in
line behind those once-a-year flyers that arrive slack-jawed at security as if
they have just walked into an operating theatre in the middle of a delicate
procedure. The Once-a-Years usually have metal in every pocket and enough
liquid, gels and pastes to bring down an Airbus A380.
But using their
keen eye for spotting the line with the least potential delays, once the Solo
Business Traveller gets past the Once-a-Years, they sail though security with a
military precision that goes hand in hand with frequent flying. Belt, watch,
bag coins into tray one. Laptop, mobile phone and jacket into tray two, before
breezing unfazed through the metal detector.
Another member
of the airport ‘Big Five’ are The Lads on Tour - especially easy to spot
by their broad rictus grins. It’s the kind of unsustainable smile that starts
to hurt after a couple of minutes and suggests: ‘I can’t believe I have no responsibilities
for the next few days only to drink/watch sports/play sports/eat/score’. You
will always see them in the bar drinking and laughing loudly. A
very different breed of traveller is the Shiny Ringed Honeymooners – most
common throughout the summer months. Alone as a couple for the first time since
they said ‘I do’, they only have eyes for one another and are easily identified
by their bright, shiny wedding rings. Then there’s The Hen Nighters, a
rowdy crew who all sport identical day-glo T-shirts. You can always pick out
the ‘Hen’ by looking for the one displaying ‘L’ plates, mini wedding veil and
fake male genitalia.
I’m certain the
BBC will do a ‘wildlife’ style documentary on it all at some stage. In fact, I
can already imagine David Attenborough’s seasoned, knowledgeable tones doing
the voice over: ‘Here we find the common Snowy White Sun-worshipper. Once a
year these magnificent creatures migrate south in search of sunshine and cheap
booze. Within a few hours of reaching their destination they will try to absorb
a year’s worth of vitamin D by basking in the sun, eventually turning an angry
shade of red. Yet, these amazing creatures have even found a naturally
occurring and readily available source of painkiller for such an injury – cheap
beer.’
Inevitably once
you find yourself at the boarding gate you start to recognise other familiar
sights: the loud bickering couple that sat on the car-park bus in front of you,
the laden-down family with the seat-kicking screaming toddler at the next table
in the terminal restaurant. Like safari animals, our destinies seem
to merge as we all migrate towards our mutual journey. And you just know
where that seat kicking toddler is going to be sitting…
